It’s been a long time coming — I’m not a guy who’s good at commitment. But now, at last, my time has come. I know when I’ve found The One, and so I’m dropping onto one knee.
“Tennis, will you marry me?”
I’ve finally come to realize that you have all the qualities I look for in a life partner:
- You’re really there for me. I get feedback from you every time I hit a ball, and it’s alway honest and direct. You never bullshit me. You never, ever freeze me out.
- You’re really good with boundaries. In is in and out is out. And yet you don’t care who I play with!
- You’re forgiving. Even when I screw up, you don’t quit on me. You welcome me to try again and you never sit in judgment. You are a benevolent witness.
- You’re fun. Even on your worst day — hell, even on my worst day! — you’re fun. And fun matters a lot, doesn’t it?
- You’re good for me. You keep me healthy and you keep me happy. You’re probably going to help me live longer, too.
- You’re gorgeous, and you age well.
- You’re not high-maintenance. A can of tennis balls isn’t a big price to pay for all the pleasure you give me. Sure, in the cold months, we need to get a room, but it’s a sensible expense.
- You don’t mind if I obsess about you — and goddamn, do I obsess!
I didn’t bring a ring because rings get in the way. I did bring a sweaty wristband, though. Will you accept it as a token of my forever commitment?
I promise I’ll never cheat on you with pickleball.
What sort of things are you married to? Why did you choose those specific activities?
